Tag Archives: humor

police officers vs police sergeants

English: NYPD Sergeant Stripes - based upon th...
English: NYPD Sergeant Stripes – based upon the file: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:NYPD_Sergeant_Stripes.png – redrawn as svg (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A little humor with some buried lessons:

The First…

Eleven people were dangling below a helicopter on a rope. There were ten Officers and one Sergeant.

Since the rope was not strong enough to hold all the eleven, they decided that one of them had to let go to save all the others.

They could not decide who should be the volunteer. Finally the Sergeant said he would let go of the rope since Sergeants are used to doing everything for the good of the Service. They forsake their family, don’t claim all of their expenses and do a lot of overtime without getting anything in return.

When he finished his moving speech all the Officers began to clap…

Moral:

Never underestimate the powers of a Sergeant.

The Second…

A group of Sergeants and a group of Officers take a train to a conference. Each Officer holds a ticket. But the entire group of Sergeants has bought only one ticket for a single passenger. The Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant Sergeants will finally get what they deserve.

Suddenly one of the Sergeants calls out: “The conductor is coming!”. At once, all the Sergeants jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the Officers. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: “Ticket, please!” One of the Sergeants slides the single ticket under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round.

For the return trip the Officers decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the Sergeants didn’t buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the Sergeants announces again: “The conductor is coming!” Immediately all the Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in.

All the Sergeants leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last Sergeant enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Officers and says: “Ticket, please!”

And the moral of the story?

Officers like to use the methods of the Sergeants, but they don’t really understand them.

The Third…

Once upon a time three Officers were walking through the woods and suddenly they were standing in front of a huge, wild river. But they desperately had to get to the other side. But how, with such a raging torrent? The first Officer knelt down and prayed to the Lord: “Lord, please give me the strength to cross this river! ”

*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*

The Lord gave him long arms and strong legs. Now he could swim across the river. It took him about two hours and he almost drowned several times.

BUT: he was successful!

The second Officer, who observed this, prayed to the Lord and said: “Lord, please give me the strength AND the necessary tools to cross this river!”

*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*

The Lord gave him a tub and he managed to cross the river despite the fact that the tub almost capsized a couple of times.

The third Officer who observed all this knelt down and prayed: “Lord, please give me the strength, the means and the intelligence to cross this river!”

*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*

The Lord converted the Officer into a Sergeant. The Sergeant took a quick glance on the map, walked a few meters upstream and crossed the bridge.

Send this to a Sergeant so that they have something to smile about;

and to the Officers if you think they can stomach the truth!

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what they say…what it means

This is a repost from early 2009, I’m hearing these more often lately.

mouth-teeth-black-424203-l1

Due to the popularity of “reality television” shows like Cops, Wildest Police Videos, Stories of the Highway Patrol and the rest, many people are being exposed to the “language of the street”.

In this language there are many phrases and customs that the unitiated may have difficulty understanding. Some viewers may become confused by the actions of officers when the person they are dealing with seems to sound perfectly reasonable.

Therefore, as a public service I am providing this easy to understand guide. With it the viewer can have a better understanding of what exactly the police officer and his “customer” are saying to each other. Be reassured that in most cases each party knows exactly what the other is saying:

When he/she says——–He/she really means:

That’s not mine!——-That’s mine.

I don’t have my ID on me.——- Im going to lie about my identity.

I didn’t do anything!——- I did it.

I swear to God!——-I’m about to lie.

That’s not my purse——- I have drugs in my purse.

I don’t know his name/I know him as…——-I’m about to lie about my friends identity because he probably has a warrant.

I swear on my child’s life!——- I’m about to lie.

I’m just driving around——- I just came from a drug house.

I don’t have my drivers license on me——- My drivers license is suspended or revoked. The judge took my license away from me.

 I’m not going to lie to you officer!——-I’m about to lie.

I did what? What did you say?——- Im trying to think up a lie.

These aren’t my pants!——-That’s my dope in the pocket.

“As far as I know” (usually in response to a question about warrants, licenses, presence of illegal items)——- I don’t know if the warrant was issued yet. I can’t remember when the protective order expires.  I’m unsure if the suspension took effect yet.

I swear on my mothers grave!——-I’m about to lie.

I paid for that!——- I stole that.

I just got paid/ I won it at the casino/I just sold my car.——-That’s my drug sales money.

Why are you hasslin’ me?——- Why do I keep getting caught?

This is bullshit!——- I hate getting caught.

You only stopped me because I’m (insert group here)!——-Yes, I rolled through that stop sign in my tinted up hoop-de with the one headlight out, the door lock punched and a cloud of marijuana smoke emitting from the windows.

I’m just driving around——- I just came from the scene of a crime.

I only had 2 or 3 beers——-I’m drunk.

I was driving to the store when my old lady called and said that her friend needed to be picked up from the bar, but first I had to stop for some gas so I was going to the station over there when I saw my buddy…..——-Im a “verbal diarrhea” liar.

There are people killing each other out there and you guys are arresting me?——- I did it.

This car? This car belongs to my friends girl…I don’t know her name——- This car is a “crack rental”.

I think I’m having a heart attack! (while in a cell)——- I want to spend the night in a hospital bed instead of on a concrete slab with a roll of toilet paper for a pillow.

You didn’t read me my rights!——- I’m clueless about criminal procedure and really think that this means my arrest is invalid and you have to let me go.

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for those who haven’t met him already let me introduce Mr. Murphy

M-67 fragmentation grenade From :en:Airman mag...
Image via Wikipedia

MURPHY’S LAWS OF COMBAT OPERATIONS
1. Friendly fire – isn’t.
2. Recoilless rifles – aren’t.
3. Suppressive fires – won’t.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, call in an airstrike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it’s an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you’re ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
— when they’re ready.
— when you’re not.
16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The easy way is always mined.
23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
24. Don’t look conspicuous; it draws fire. (For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.)
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren’t.
34. Things that must work together, can’t be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. Corollary: Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
36. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
37. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won’t be able to get out.
38. Tracers work both ways.
39. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
40. When both sides are convinced they’re about to lose, they’re both right.
41. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you’ll get your rear shot up.
46. Weather ain’t neutral.
47. If you can’t remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
48. Air defense motto: shoot ’em down; sort ’em out on the ground.
49. ‘Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it’ll go.
50. The Cavalry doesn’t always come to the rescue. Continue reading for those who haven’t met him already let me introduce Mr. Murphy

weapons for reporters…get it right for once

AKA: “OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!”

I cannot stand it when the news reports: “drug dealers home raided…machine gun found” and they show a table of dope w/an AK47.

Or when hunting rifles are called “Assault Weapons“….a .45 cal 1911 called a “revolver”..and on, and on.

So I am going to keep this simple:

These are handguns. They are small so they can fit in your hand.

pistols

These are the common “hunting guns”..they are the ones that are “OK”. Even Bill Clinton said so. The Shotgun has a big fat barrel that can shoot out a bunch of small BB’s to shoot down clay targets, ducks or Dick Cheney’s friends. The Rifle has a small opening in the barrel and can hit things far away. Deer, targets, road signs..all that “nice” stuff.

hunt

Ooooo! Look out! These are those evil, nasty “Assault Weapons”. Never mind that they fire the same kind of Ammo as the “rifle” above. These badboys have “magazines”…”flash hiders”… “bayonet lugs”…and HORRORS “Pistol Grips”! I’m probably breaking a law just showing them to you. BUT THEY ARE NOT MACHINE GUNS!

assault

These two can have the words “machine” and “gun” placed next to each other, but as you can see they are very different in appearance. Don’t get all confused on me now, but…the top one fires the same kinds of bullets as the “handgun” (remember? the ones that you can hold in one hand?). The big one fires the same sorts of bullets as the “rifle”. Yes the “nice” hunting rife and the “mean and nasty Assault Weapons”.

machgun

OK…so we don’t get brain cramps that will be all for today. Nothing more to see here…move along.

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